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  • Writer's pictureSamaya Tonni Rael

The Journey of Shaving my Head

Updated: Aug 17, 2023

Like many things in my life, it all started with a dream...

In November of 2021, I began having a recurring dream. In this dream, I was sitting in front of a mirror while I shaved my head. Tears filled my eyes and giggles escaped my mouth as indescribable emotions bubbled through me and out of me; freedom, death, rebirth are a few words that barely scratch the surface of what the dream version of me was experiencing.

As I woke up and I came back into my body, I sat upright remembering the dream I had just come from... "What the fuck!? I don't want to shave my head!" I said out loud as I attempted to dismiss the knowing that comes with every prophetic dream.

In the months that followed, I continued to have this dream on a weekly basis. It was much the same every time, only it began to evolve. In this updated version I would be walking down the street, carrying this powerful energy of liberation with my freshly exposed crown and I'd bump into my most recent ex. There was no attempt on his part to mask his venomous rejection of me. At first I felt a small wounded child inside me try to bury herself into the shadows, but gradually an even larger, more loving aspect of myself took the child by the hand and helped her to stand confidently despite the harsh spotlight of judgement. In the weeks that followed I did a lot of reflecting and feeling into the symbolism of this evolving dream. I realized that my ex represented aspects of the world, of society and of myself that were quick to judge and reject; I was the one rejecting myself for being me, for being anything outside of what was considered "normal".

Around mid-December, just a few weeks after leaping into a journey of solo travel and exclusively dating myself, I began to seriously consider shaving my head, for real!!! I asked Spirit for sign of confirmation and within a few hours I met 2 women rocking a buzz cut. After that, I crossed paths with bareheaded women almost every single day for a month until I finally felt ready.

Despite this promising shift in attitude, I was also aware that I was coming from a very angry place... I imagined myself chaotically chopping off my hair in chunks before eventually shaving it all off. Thankfully I was able to recognize that this was far from the peaceful, empowering energy that filled my dreams, so I waited some more.

After some more inner work I knew that this aggressive approach was coming from a place of deep pain. I had been angry and tired of feeling like an object of desire. Memories of unwanted attention, inappropriate touching and assault, all sexual in nature, still caused me pain years after they occurred. I wanted this kind of attention towards me to stop. I wanted to dissolve these "desirable aspects" of myself. I realized that my aggression came from wanting to get back at all of the people that had violated my energy, my space, and my body.

These insights allowed me to be especially gentle with myself at this point in my journey. I allowed myself to be angry, to be sad and to express everything I had previously repressed. I shared with sisters and we released together through ceremony, fire, medicine and movement. Eventually that anger and pain dissolved and I was able to lovingly laugh at having been so bitter. My desire to shave my head shifted to match the peaceful and empowering energies from my initial dream.

At first my intention was to join with those sisters and Mother Nature in ceremony in order for them to hold space for me in my evolution. I wanted each person present to shave my hair as a symbol of "shedding pieces of me". I really resonated with the Tibetan tradition of hair cutting in accordance with the energies of the moon so I began following the moon calendar and planned a few ceremonies. When each one fell through, I recognized this as a sign and I stopped planning. I surrendered to the flow, which brought me into solitude. It was in this solitude that I knew that I needed to be on my own to experience this ceremony of rebirth.

Following an intuitive hunch, I spent a number of hours of research into various cultures and their respective spiritual reasons for dread-locking their hair. I spent 2 days in meditation and prayer becoming clear on the energies I would be integrating during the ceremony and those I would be shedding with the locks. The morning after I finished dreading my hair, March 29th, 2022, I woke up with the powerful awareness: "today is the day". I checked the moon calendar, which confirmed an abundance of positive energies.

Filled with nerves and apprehension, I again asked Spirit to guide me. The signs that had led me to this magical place of solitude in the Costa Rican jungle, dragonflies and the Blue Morpho Butterfly, not only flooded my front yard but also landed on my body! The awe-inspiring luminescent Blue Morpho drew out of me a flood of tears and reverence as she fluttered about my head and danced through the trees. Waves of gratitude and joy cascaded up my body when 2 dragonflies took turns hopping from one of my legs to the other. I spent the morning following these magical insect beings. I gathered fallen flowers and picked some from various trees and bushes. I chose and prepared a ceremony space nestled in some foliage and in the afternoon I began the ceremony...

After setting my intentions I turned on the clippers and I made my first pass along the top of my head. Together, the individual dreads of hair that formed a blanket of density over my crown started falling away with every pass of the clippers. I felt a lightness wash over me as I literally and metaphorically peeled off this dense mask. The physical sensations brought beautiful images of a journey through the birth canal.

Once my crown was released from the chords of my past, I felt a powerful influx of Source energy pour into me. It moved through my whole body in euphoric waves and expanded all of my senses. I saw the most amazingly vibrant colours and the most beautiful geometric shapes. I saw the fabric of the Universe and I saw all of my Guides and Angels around me. Despite being completely sober, it was a psychedelic experience the whole way through. The feelings of freedom, death, and rebirth I had glimpsed in my dreams paled in comparison to the information that was coursing through me and emanating out of me. My consciousness expanded beyond my physical body and I could feel everything around me as myself; the air, the trees, the birds, the sounds, the smells, it was all me. Through this experience the idea that was once so unsettling to me became a comforting realization... "Everything is Nothing and Nothing is Everything".

With the last strands cut, my awareness shifted back into my body and the present moment. After basking in the powerful energies and emotions for a while, I moved into an integration process. I left my hair and the flowers I had picked outside in a bowl to soak in the energies of the Full Moon. The next day I placed a few dreads at the roots of all the plants that had gifted me their flowers for the ceremony and I thanked them for contributing their energy to the experience.

I spent the following days mostly sleeping, meditating, moving my body and being in nature. I felt the information from the ceremony moving through me; shifting, alchemizing, activating within me. I allowed myself to gaze at my reflection in the mirror and I felt something grow in my heart... An honest, humble love, free of vanity and rooted in compassion. It was as though there was so much being held in my hair that it hid some of the light and magic emanating from my soul. What this ceremony was able to yield was so much better than any kind of aggression or revenge could have ever given me. This was me taking back what was mine without inflicting any more pain on anyone, including myself.

It's been over a year and I am still shaving my head. I'm not completely sure why, I just know that it feels right. I sometimes miss my long wavy hair and I know that one day I will grow it back. I also know that it will be its own challenging and beautiful experience and I am waiting patiently for its' call.

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A Bit About Me...

My brother and I were raised by our stay-at-home/healer mom, and our pilot dad in Hong Kong, Spain and Canada. I benefitted from a close, loving family unit with plenty of encouragement and support t


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